So im gonna do something different here and be really personal.
I have a condition called tourette syndrome, i dont care if i spelt that incorrectly because its french and a last name and spelt retardedly. That aside, this condition causes me an insane amount of frustration.
What causes this frustration? Well basically, i cant control certain things i do. They are called tics. I have about 14 regular tics and probably more than 50 that come and go, almost all of them are either invisible or suppressed or just easily hidden MOST of the time. I do a very good job of hiding my tics. At some point i should explain to everyone that i do not take an inordinately long time taking a dump, i just tend to vent tics while in the loo sometimes. Its a habit left over from my old house. We had a downstairs toilet that had a fan in it and i could hide myself away in there and just pace and tic and get everything i had suppressed out without anyone hearing or watching me act like a lunatic.
So these tics, they annoy the ever loving shit out of me. Like, they really cause me problems. Since last week, tuesday in fact, i have had the unloving return of my hard blink and itch tic. This is where i will blink my eyes too hard for a period of about a second, then blink rapidly once or twice, then blink them too hard again. What this causes is some irritation, and GUESS WHAT! Then i itch them. The itching is another tic, but worse, i rub my eyes rhythmically and.. i actually have a hard time stopping, it gets prolonged and prolonged and i keep doing it over and over, and then during the day i will do it again and again and ugh. Then i have another really GREAT tic which is to scratch my neck, its gotten to the point recently where im leaving massive red marks on my neck. My eyes are raw from these tics, and im starting to wonder if i will go mad before they eventually disappear.
It is impossible to explain how frustrating this is. I dont even know where i would begin to explain that to you. All i can say is that it drives me mental and as ive gotten older its been harder and harder for me to be able to keep my temper because im constantly dealing with one or two of these gosh forsaken tics.
Because of this, i end up snapping at people too much. Being grumpy, being ill tempered and having a short fuse. I get mad at video games now, and im quite impatient, could you imagine that i used to make and paint model aircraft, i always picked the hardest ones as well, that took incredible amount of patience to even look at. My personality is radically different from even 3 years ago, and its all thanks to this constant frustration im feeling.
Im trying to learn ways to deal with it, to allow myself to keep playing games and to have healthy relationships where i dont end up snapping and yelling at all my friends all the time but its really hard.
And this isnt a cry out for help, or support, or any of that shit. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me, or excuse my bad behaviour or the things i say because of this post. What i want? Is to be able to have a tic free day. But that wont happen in my or anyone else’s life time. Really all im doing here is venting. Clearing my heart and mind of things that are bothering me and maybe getting a little healthier and better at dealing with my frustration in the process.
Just remember one thing and one thing alone. Any time you get depressed and wonder how your life could get any worse, you could be uncontrollably scratching your neck so hard that it brings tears to your eyes, which in turn makes you uncontrollably rub your eyes until they are red raw 40 times a day every day for about a week. Just think about that.